This year, I decided that salmon camp, manly adventure in the wilderness though it is, did not offer harsh enough conditions for testing 6-ply wool knitted to a gauge of 45 stitches per semicircle. Testing weatherproofness requires more than that. So to replicate conditions in Spitzbergen, I turned the thermostat down to 62 degrees, and kept a journal of this harrowing experience.
Day one: Made tuna mayo sandwich as enjoyed by the cannon-thighed iron men of seafaring myth and legend. The butter was too hard to spread, and tore the bread in two places. If this goes on I shall starve. Wrote note to wife to tell her I love her, in case future expeditions find my frozen corpse in the breakfast nook.
Day two: Erected blanket fort in living room to shelter from the howling blizzard directly from the open conservatory window. My gansey however protected me from almost certain death.
Day three: Killed and ate the dog. A civilised man turns savage in such an environment.
Day four: Emerged from blanket fort and stumbled into the freezing blizzard. My wife was vacuuming, and asked what I was doing. "I'm just going out, dear. I may be some time." I told her. She shook her head, and pretended not to notice my noble sacrifice. Put on another gansey, went into the back yard, and nailed some socks to the picnic table.
Day five: Expedition second-in-charge (hitherto known as 'my wife') asked why I had nailed socks to the picnic table. Surely it is obvious, even to a woman, that this is to prevent removal by roving bands of polar bears? I blame Queen Victoria.
Day six: Felt chilly draft while watching Antiques Roadshow
in the living room like some latter-day Magellan. If not for my gansey
would have gone hypothermic and fallen off the couch, perhaps to my
death. Mother Nature is a harsh mistress.
Day seven: Set on on open sea-voyage in square-rigged vessel. Shackleton himself would have balked. A friendly Inuit walking past made fun of my plastic paddling pool. They laughed at Galileo too.
So you see, it is possible to survive the harsh Arctic environment with gansey-swaved knitwear. A case of brandy to anybody who can replicate this arduous expedition.
