Knitting is defined as using two mandrills. No, I shall not provide a reference. Find it yourself or shut up.
The mandrill can be manipulated in swaving to give greater leverage.
Just be careful it doesn't chew your face off.
Wednesday, 11 March 2015
Tuesday, 27 January 2015
Anesthetics
Pretty is for the birds. Ladies of fashion boast about their pretty lace and spin their pretty yarns, but I strive for ugly. Pretty things can never be functional, and the corollary to that is that the uglier something is, the more useful it is. If ladies were capable of logic, they'd understand that. Consult your copy of 'The Gorilla Hunters' for further proof.
Until you've matched the gauge on this pair of ski-boot socks, you haven't a leg to stand on. A case of brandy to anybody who can duplicate my masterful swaving.
Until you've matched the gauge on this pair of ski-boot socks, you haven't a leg to stand on. A case of brandy to anybody who can duplicate my masterful swaving.
Historical Sheep Breeds
Ignorant hobby spinners have accused me of posting a photograph of a cat and claiming that it was a corriedale sheep.
They have truly shown their ignorance of heritage sheep breeds. That it is a sheep is clearly discernible by the fluffy paws, long whiskers and luxuriant fur.
When you can tell me what breed of sheep these are, you can claim rudimentary spinning knowledge. If not, consult a reputable chemistry textbook.
They have truly shown their ignorance of heritage sheep breeds. That it is a sheep is clearly discernible by the fluffy paws, long whiskers and luxuriant fur.
When you can tell me what breed of sheep these are, you can claim rudimentary spinning knowledge. If not, consult a reputable chemistry textbook.
Sunday, 25 January 2015
Laser tachometers of the Elizabethan Age
The Elizabethans are rightly renowned for their superb skills as spinners, weavers, and makers of tapestries. I exhort you all to examine Henry VIII's superb codpiece, and marvel at its qualities.
To achieve this level of professional spinning expertise and elan, they used laser tachometers to calibrate their great wheels. Observe, in this painting, the laser tachometer. It is not readily apparent to the non-expert eye, but those spinners who have used such equipment will deduce its presence from the position of the left arm.
To achieve this level of professional spinning expertise and elan, they used laser tachometers to calibrate their great wheels. Observe, in this painting, the laser tachometer. It is not readily apparent to the non-expert eye, but those spinners who have used such equipment will deduce its presence from the position of the left arm.
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Minimum Yarn Storage and Containment Regulations
Everybody should have tonnes of yarn. This yarn must all be spun to the same specifications of 130,000 ling per kemp of tarpit. It was good enough for Geoffrey Chaucer, and all those modern spinners would do well to take note.
But Dr Gansei, I hear you ask, in your weak, piping ladyvoices, what if yarn spun to those specifications is not what I need for my project? Well, silly modern spinners, if your project cannot be knitted or woven using yarn according to my specifications, clearly laid out above, then your project is invalid. Women are notoriously bad at thinking through these things logically. Like fairies, or poodles.
Even more essential is to store supplies of such yarn for your descendants for the next 1000 years. Stuff it all in the cave where you were foolishly intending to store dry catfood for your descendents of the next 1000 years.
The multi-coloured corriedale sheep in the above photograph is ideal for either worsted or woollen spinning.
I like toast.
But Dr Gansei, I hear you ask, in your weak, piping ladyvoices, what if yarn spun to those specifications is not what I need for my project? Well, silly modern spinners, if your project cannot be knitted or woven using yarn according to my specifications, clearly laid out above, then your project is invalid. Women are notoriously bad at thinking through these things logically. Like fairies, or poodles.
Even more essential is to store supplies of such yarn for your descendants for the next 1000 years. Stuff it all in the cave where you were foolishly intending to store dry catfood for your descendents of the next 1000 years.
The multi-coloured corriedale sheep in the above photograph is ideal for either worsted or woollen spinning.
I like toast.
Thursday, 27 November 2014
Lanolin
Baby oil. Lanolin.
Grease.
Greasy wool.
Sweaty sailors.
Fish.
Hands sliding on ropes ... sliding ... with the erotic rhythm of a dying cod, thrashing.
Covered in baby oil.
Where was I before you silly women interrupted?
Of course. Baby oil. The Elizabethans would swim their sheep in cold water then shampoo and blowdry them, and anoint the wool with baby oil. Because Geoffrey Chaucer was a freak for that shit.
Totally. It's in a book I found in Google. If you can't find it that's not because I hallucinated it.
Grease.
Greasy wool.
Sweaty sailors.
Fish.
Hands sliding on ropes ... sliding ... with the erotic rhythm of a dying cod, thrashing.
Covered in baby oil.
Where was I before you silly women interrupted?
Of course. Baby oil. The Elizabethans would swim their sheep in cold water then shampoo and blowdry them, and anoint the wool with baby oil. Because Geoffrey Chaucer was a freak for that shit.
Totally. It's in a book I found in Google. If you can't find it that's not because I hallucinated it.
Tuesday, 3 June 2014
Excellence in Personality Disorders
Some of the drivelling so-called experts have accused me of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. How dare they presume to think that of ME? Just because I am the best at everything, purely by making self-aggrandizing pronouncements of it? How dare they question my innate superiority and imply that I'm a narcissistic blowhard. NONE OF THEM CAN POSSIBLY APPROACH MY STRATOSPHERIC LEVELS OF AWESOMENESS IN EVERY POSSIBLE SPHERE OF HUMAN ENDEAVOUR, so therefore any accusations of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are invalid.
Now everybody maintain an appropriately worshipful silence while I drone for hours about how awesome I am.
Narcissist indeed.
Now everybody maintain an appropriately worshipful silence while I drone for hours about how awesome I am.
Narcissist indeed.
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